Following the nomination of Neil Gorsuch to the U.S. Supreme Court, the lying left-wing media is going to roll out every nasty lie, slander and defamation tactic imaginable in an effort to crush his Senate confirmation. For starters, they’ve already handed out signs to protesters in front of the U.S. Supreme Court that claim Gorsuch is “extreme and dangerous.” But most of the people holding these signs, hilariously, had no idea who Gorsuch was until they were handed the professionally printed signs in the first place.
So to prepare you for the campaign of outright lies and slander that the “fake news” left-wing media is going to invoke over the next few weeks, I’ve decided to encapsulate all the media’s Gorsuch lies in advance and save you the suspense.
What follows is every lie about Neil Gorsuch you’re going to see from the dishonest media, all aggregated for brevity. Once you read this list, you no longer need to watch CNN or read the New York Times. (Then again, who does anyway?)
Neil Gorsuch kicks little puppies and cooks ants with a magnifying glass.
When Neil Gorsuch visits the home of a blind person, he moves the furniture around.
Neil Gorsuch is so racist that when he solves a Rubik’s Cube, he finishes the WHITE side first (and says the “colored sides” don’t matter).
When Girl Scouts knock on his door to sell him cookies, Neil Gorsuch dons a hockey mask and threatens them with an axe. (I know, it’s mean, right? Who would even do that?)
Remember when Mitt Romney drove around with a dog on the roof of his car? Neil Gorsuch put it there.
Neil Gorsuch’s favorite hobby is aiming green lasers at commercial aircraft to blind the pilots. The Washington Post has a secret dossier from the Russians with pictures and everything!
We now know that Neil Gorsuch is trying to destroy the entire planet and obliterate human civilization because he exhales carbon dioxide on purpose.
Neil Gorsuch shot Tupac. Seriously. Tell everyone you know. The riots begin tonight at 7:00. #GorsuchShotTupac … make it trend!
Neil Gorsuch has a penis and — get this — uses the MEN’S restroom! (The horrors…)
Speaking of restrooms, Neil Gorsuch has also been caught leaving the toilet seat UP, proving he hates all women and wants to violate their bodies.
Neil Gorsuch enjoys the great outdoors and once slid down an entire mountain of snow on a waxy board attached to his feet, which is something only WHITE people do. So he’s obviously racist.
Neil Gorsuch once talked in a theater during a movie. Thankfully, all the black people sitting behind him told him to shut the hell up and stop interrupting THEIR conversation!
When Neil Gorsuch eats Lucky Charms, he refuses to consume the sugary charms because he thinks they make you gay.
Neil Gorsuch secretly wears women’s panties under his court robes. Politico reports that on Fridays he wears nothing under his robes at all.
As a little boy, Neil Gorsuch set a man trap in his own chimney because he wanted to kill Santa Claus and deprive all the other children in the world their entitlement gifts. As a Justice on the U.S. Supreme Court, he also promises to murder leprechauns, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and the Rice Krispies gay parade munchkins.
When Neil Gorsuch watched the original Superman movie, he rooted for Lex Luther and hoped Earth would be destroyed because he hates the environment. And he had a fetish for Lois Lane’s underwear because he’s an X-Ray vision perv.
Neil Gorsuch once complimented a female on her wardrobe. IT’S AN ASSAULT!
Neil Gorsuch licks the white cream out of OREO cookies, leaving behind the black cookie parts because he obviously HATES blacks.
Neil Gorsuch likes to hire Russian escorts to spank his bottom raw while he wears a baby’s bib and recites the words of the Declaration of Independence in reverse order. MSNBC actually found the Russian escorts and paid them $25,000 to tell their “true” story on camera, because they are credible witnesses.
Neil Gorsuch once told a Mexican waiter, “Gracias” in Spanish, mocking his culture and demeaning all immigrants. Just wow. The nerve of these gringos! (He also once participated in a racist, demeaning college buffet event called “Taco Day.”)
Neil Gorsuch reads books. Only creepy people read books. He reads them a LOT, too. And he actually REMEMBERS them, which is even more creepy. CNN will be featuring expert guests who explain how only super creepy people still read books, and they might be serial killers.
Neil Gorsuch clips his fingernails in public and uses restaurant napkins to blow his nose. A BuzzFeed blogger saw it all and promises to post the “exclusive” photos.
Neil Gorsuch is so extreme that he once talked a female coworker out of having an abortion, RUINING her life forever because she then had to raise a child. Do these conservatives have no decency?
Neil Gorsuch is a climate denier who believes that climate change science should be based on actual science rather than pretend “political” science. The nerve of this guy!
Neil Gorsuch has a horrible digestive disorder and he intentionally eats lots of under-cooked beans before attending court sessions to “gas” his fellow jurists. Yep, the guy deploys chemical weapons just like Saddam Hussein.
Neil Gorsuch once tried to emotionally blackmail his own wife by buying her flowers. So manipulative and misogynistic! It’s a WAR on women!
Neil Gorsuch uses CASH to buy groceries, just like drug dealers use cash to buy illicit drugs. And he has duct tape in his house… the same kind of duct tape used by kidnappers to cover the mouths of their victims, by God!
Neil Gorsuch becomes sexually aroused when viewing pictures of oil pipelines, after which he screams, “EXXON get yer SEXXON!”
Neil Gorsuch mocks fat people. Not verbally, but just by standing there looking fit, you see. It’s so intolerant!
… got more Neil Gorsuch media lies to contribute? Post them in the comments below and see how your own hilarious lies compare to CNN’s hilarious lies.
Stay informed at Trump.news and the upcoming launch of Gorsuch.news, and unabashedly pro-Gorsuch news site that celebrates the man’s extraordinary character, intelligence and contributions to America.